The consistent pursuit of happiness has become an obsession for many people. We spend our waking moments seeking all the pleasures this life has to offer. A great job, good relationships, tasty food, the novelty of new experiences, ecstatic sex. Anything and everything that gives our brains that chemical cocktail rush that floods us with the emotion of happiness. And why wouldn't we want to be happy? Bliss feels good. Joy feels right. Contentment feels like wholeness. And honestly, this ecstatic living is what The Succulent Venus is all about. Seeking our pleasures is absolutely our birthright and something we should indulge in.
There's a shadow side to this drive to always be happy though.
On the opposite end of the emotional spectrum, the experience of heavier feelings like anger or grief can send us into a spiral of misery that we desperately want to escape. In fact, many modern cultures perpetuate the constant chase of the biochemical high of happiness, and much of the West's economy is built around this need to be cheerful 24/7. In this world there is so little room for us to feel anything but good.
Sure we are told "you can't have a rainbow without rain" or "you can't have joy without sorrow," but these sentiments are also usually handed out to people who are struggling with the hope to cheer them up. "Don't worry," these phrases say. "You'll be happy again soon." So we rush back to the lighter side of our emotions and numb ourselves out to what we are really feeling. When we run from our heavier parts, we create an internal environment that is not only inauthentic, but also self-abusive. And when we rush others back to feeling better we send them the message that what they are feeling is wrong. We have villainized so many of our emotions that many people don't even know how to express or feel them in a healthy way.
This doesn't really sound like the foundation for a great life after all does it?
It is time for a shift in perspective and practice. What if instead of making a happy life our goal, we decided we would live a fulfilling one? What if we took all the experiences we've had, good and bad, and took ownership of them? What if all the bad feelings we feel sometimes finally got their place at the banquet table of our lives?
Human beings are gifted with the power of a multitude of emotions and they all deserve to be honored. When we choose to live a fulfilling life, we do honor those feelings. We make room for the entirety of the human experience. We embrace the gravity and levity of being alive. And when we open ourselves to that level of feeling, we begin to live a life that has deeper meaning to us. No one wants to feel the sting of embarrassment or the volcanic explosion of anger or the overwhelming grief of losing a loved one. But feeling those things means that you are alive and participating fully in what being alive has to offer. Not only do we have a fuller experience when we permit ourselves to feel all our emotions, but we will also get a better idea of what we need in life.
Of course there is nothing wrong with following your joy. That's the path that takes you to the best parts of yourself. But being mad or sad or bored or lonely can take us to places that help us get to know ourselves better than joy ever could alone. Contrast is what paints the masterpiece of our lives. When we can be fully present with our heavy feelings, or the heavy feelings of others, we open the door to deeper and more meaningful connection, love, and ultimately happiness. This is what it means to be fulfilled: to have experienced the entire breadth of what existence has to offer.
So keep seeking your happiness. That's what makes life fun! But when grief comes, or your friend makes you mad, or you feel shame about a mistake you made, don't run away so fast. Sit down with that feeling. Invite it in for tea. Get to know it inside and out. And then set it free and be on your way to the next delicious experience. Make a fulfilling life your goal, and you will reach the end of your journey with a sense of peace and a smile on your face knowing that you really, truly lived.
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